Real mistakes are mistakes of judgment, of intuition. You thought X was true and acted on it. Turns out, X was false.
Bullshit mistakes are mistakes of second-guessing. You thought X was true and then talked yourself out of it and didn’t act. Turns out, X was true.
The point is: to act and expose your judgment to mistakes. That’s how it gets better.
From Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s The Invitation: an exhortation to make real mistakes. I learned about this book from The Warrior Poet, podcast 54.
What’s weird about many a new, scary experience is that I know I can do it. Even before starting, while still trembling and uncommitted, I know this is within my grasp.
Yes there are some things that are self-evidently not within my grasp. Bearing children, for instance.
But others are within my grasp to accomplish. Being wildly fit. That is within my grasp. Yeah, the definition of “wildly fit” might be rubbery, but there is no doubt that I can get to a satisfactory point where I say to myself that I’m wildly fit.
Mental states, too. Being at peace. Again, what does that mean, exactly? Who knows! Not me, but others seem to know. I can get to a point where I feel that state for more than moments.
What holds me back? Living through the suck? No. I have endured the suck before. I know how to do that. Fear of failure? Maybe. That’s what other people think of me, not what I think of myself. I have failed often enough already that I’m kind of immune to it. Sometimes! Other times I take it seriously, even though it is a false god.
I think one of the reasons is knowing that this is within my power. If I try and succeed, then what? Unknown! But change. And if I try and fail, then what? Unknown. But change.
“It worked for them, so it will work for me” was my blind mantra at the start. And it was right. The promises came true. That wasn’t so scary, was it? In fact, I experienced liberation.
Let’s revisit the mantra. Tattoo it to your brain: It worked for them, it will work for me. But work it.
The payoff for those I knew 30+ years ago at the start was different (for those who persisted, and where are they now?) than it was for me. Did they experience a moment of oneness hurtling north on I-15 on a cold winter’s dawn in a fancy new car? Probably not. But have they they experienced a moment of oneness in another way? Almost certainly yes. That’s the payoff.
Even after all of this time I shy away from change. Even after first-hand evidence.
Let’s do this.
It worked for (insert name here), so it will work for me. Take that as a mantra.
And don’t forget Alison’s admonition: when you do that, be willing to take the whole package. You can’t have the so-called benefits without the so-called costs.
I already know I can do this. I am going to apply it in a prosaic (and simultaneously profound) area of life: business. Ian’s example is what I keep in mind.
There are patterns to follow. I can do this.
I started adjusting the post time for everything I write.
Random reasons. Mostly paranoia. Hide where I am.
And yet I keep doing it.
Does this reinforce a state of mind, a thought? Maybe the thought can be profitably discarded.
I’m going to play “whatever date it is, throw away that many things” in January. One thing on the first, two things on the second, etc.
Physical things or unneeded files on my computer.
And it’s always been this way.
My fears come from “not enough” ideas in my head. There won’t be enough money to support the family. there won’t be enough time to do X, whatever X is. I’m not like able enough for people to want to hang out with me. I don’t look good enough. I’m not fit enough. I’m not disciplined enough. I don’t work hard enough.
So many not enoughs.
And yet as I type this with my thumbs, if I take a deep breath I feel momentarily ok.
Is that the seed? Is that where enough comes from.
Remember that.
There is enough. I have enough. I am enough.
A new view, for me:
All the same, if you ask me what the human good is, I can offer you no other reply than to say that it lies in a certain quality of choice.
Epictetus, Handbook 1.9(18).
That’s dense. How you choose = the essence of goodness?
I’m dropping this quote here because I want to return to it and uncover meaning that is currently inaccessible to me.
So accordingly, whenever we’re impeded, disturbed, or distressed, we should never blame anyone else, but only ourselves, that is to say, our judgements.
Epictetus, Handbook, 5.
My normal process is to be distressed or impeded because something didn’t work right. Out of my control and I am unhappy about it.
Unhappiness? Why? There must be a reason. I then find fault with my actions. Usually that means “You didn’t work hard enough.”
That doubles the unhappiness.
The Stoics tell me that the unhappiness is within my control. The external events about which I am unhappy, not in my control. Traffic is heavy and I go slower than I desire? That’s an “out of my control” problem.
The unhappiness about my actions? That’s something to look at. Am I really unhappy about my actions? Or the outcomes of the actions? Or am I just unhappy about anything I do, as a general operating principle?
There is always an other side. I forget this. The internet taught me the lesson again. Because of our recent visitors I watched a bunch of things on YouTube about van life etc. Let me tell you, it’s all glamour.
But then, a search for the equivalent of one star reviews. A search with “hate van life” or variants turns up the day to day reality. Not bad stuff, just reality.
Reality is as you would expect. Where do I poop if I don’t have a facility in my van? Keeping things clean. Stuff breaks. All the normal day that happens to everyone all the time. Friction. The sheer drudgery of life is not eliminated even when you look like you are living a highlight reel.
The interesting perspectives were the psychological ones. Some talked about the lack of rootedness. Yes you make friends but it’s not the same. I experienced that in NZ. A couple talked about the way that having a YouTube channel became the most important factor organizing their lives.
They suddenly are not free despite presenting us with a view of a lifestyle of freedom. The need to pump out content for the channel affects what they do, when they do it, etc.
Nothing wrong with that. It’s just that I watched the videos and wanted to live the carefully curated dream.
No. Life is the whole package. There is another side to the coin. Always. Take the coin. But don’t pretend you can take pieces of the coin. It doesn’t work that way.
In fact, an afterthought. Maybe go after life taking the friction part, the so-called bad stuff. If you accept that as part of the normal, the expected, then the highlight reel will be that much better.
Bad example but it’s the only one I can think of right now: getting married and having kids. That’s a package sold with a highlight reel. And yet the sheer slog of decades of marriage and raising kids to adulthood is missed by those of us who buy the package, despite being visible. I only dimly perceived it, and jumped into the game willingly but semi-blindly.
My experience is that the payoff of marriage and fatherhood has been beyond the advertised benefits in the highlight reel.
Maybe the YouTube folks are getting that, too. Maybe (for some of them) there is a payoff that can only be earned by going through the slog.
Anyway. Other side of the coin. Take the whole package. Don’t be dazzled by the benefits, and don’t be fearful of the friction. The payoff is in experiencing both.