I am overwhelmed by the road before me. Too much work. Looking up, I cannot see the pinnacle I seek to climb. Am I up for the journey?
I read Meditations and find an answer.
He deposits his sperm and leaves. And then a force not his takes it and goes to work, and creates a child. This … from that?
Or: He pours food down his throat. And then a force not his takes it and creates sensations, desires, daily life, physical strength and so much else besides.
To look at these things going on silently and see the force that drives them. As we see the force that pushes things and pulls them. Not with our eyes, but just as clearly.
Meditations, 10:26
The task before me is work-related. I am building in an entirely new direction. It seems overwhelming, and it is so much easier to revert to old ways. I am afraid.
Remember what I do and what I don’t do. Apply the small pressure, relentlessly, like a wedge in a log. How the log splits? Not my decision.
Those memories of wedges and a sledgehammer, as a teenager. It is hard work, splitting logs into firewood, but satisfying. Bring down the hammer, again and again. That’s all you do.
Let gravity take its course. My job is to show up every day and do the new work behind the hard boundaries I have set.
“The Father in me doeth the work.” Isn’t that how the phrase goes? Marcus Aurelius would say nature, but it’s all the same.
This new path, if it works, promises a freedom that I don’t have right now. I yearn for that freedom. Will I achieve freedom? I don’t know. All I know is that I am not free now.
Just do today’s work today. “Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” Except it isn’t evil. It’s just action, chosen by me, directed by my choice. And the consequences? Nature (or, in this case, The Market) controls whether it will be successful or not.
And anyway, that word “success” is misplaced. Success is a word to describe things within my control. Success is me doing what I intend to do.
Outcomes? That’s not a matter of success or not. Desired outcomes happening or not? That doesn’t mean success or failure. That’s hope.
If I accomplish an intended action, that’s success. If a desired outcome does not result from those actions, I am still successful. Now my choice, within my control, is to see the outcome and adjust my actions, trying again to hit my intended target.
Remember. Scale and relativity.
Good. Now you know, again, who and where you are. You forgot again, didn’t you?
Now, take action and do not measure your happiness by the outcomes. If the outcomes are pleasurable, take pleasure in them of course.
But do not take credit for the outcomes, just as you don’t take credit for the fine young adults that your children have become. You provided the start. The rest? Not so much up to you.