Today I feel it.
Trudging. Endless trudging until I die. Even the exercise: out the door at 5:00 a.m. for a 45 minute walk. Am I going to be on this life treadmill forever?
I’m the ox pulling the wagon. At work, at home, everywhere.
My wife asks, “You’re not yourself. What’s going on?”
I’m tired, motherfucker. Tired of being treated like the fucking human Google. Tired of being asked for ideas, direction, fixing the details. Tired of being asked for money, tired of being asked to absorb all the risk, bring clarity where there will always be terminal uncertainty.
Tired of being looked at to provide motivation. Learn, motherfucker. The Kingdom of God is within. Bootstrap yourself. There is no other way.
Just so.
The Kingdom of God is within. This doomloop mindset is my self-created dilemma.
Time to re-engineer my life. “Your past is your future—unless you change.”
It’s time to act, and not to whine. (But it sure felt good to whine just now. And it actually had a therapeutic effect: I can see that all of these situations are self-created.)
People at work who treat me as The Human Google will get the kinder, gentler version of “Let Me Google That For You” and a tutorial in how to do that—but not the answer they’re looking for. Let’s start there.