It could be from religious indoctrination I absorbed as a child: we are all sinners, sinning all the time. We are never good enough to be OK when God judges us. Even if you ask for forgiveness and have the slate wiped clean (does this really happen or does God secretly remember?) we are sinners and so a moment after getting to “good enough” we are doomed because we fucked something up. We are sinners, after all. It’s what we do.
Sounds insane, doesn’t it?
I can’t blame the preachers or the books written by the True Believers. I cherry-picked sentences and my brain assembled corrosive perspective. Yes I was a kid then. I’m not now.
You can’t see yourself as a victim. Staying there is a guarantee that your perceived lack (as a victim) will only get worse. Victims blame things outside their control for the position they’re in.
As soon as you say “yeah, that happened” and then ask yourself “so what am I going to do now?” you are a free man.
You are free because by turning to the question “what am I going to do now?” you accept whatever happened as outside of your control. Past is no longer relevant. You are free because you are asking a question that focuses on things within your control. You are going to act now (you can do that) and have a different attitude. The non-victim attitude.
So let’s stop the “finger-painting with your own shit” exercise of examining the past and blaming today’s performance on the past behavior of others. Doesn’t matter who. The church, parents, friends, Hitler (not the real one, but whoever you currently demonize as literally Hitler).
Even stop blaming yourself. That’s really the source of the falling short of the mark feeling. I’m a victim because yesterday me didn’t do pull-ups, or made a rash decision at work, or Thought Bad Thoughts.
Feeling bad because I’m a victim of me.
Sounds insane, doesn’t it?
Yeah, so yesterday doesn’t exist anymore. What am I doing today, right now?
Simple really. I have an aim. (And if I am aimless I have a target that can never be hit. I am not aimless.) Whether I hit the bullseye with my last shot or not is of no importance. All that matters is the shot I am taking now.
So how to fight the feeling of being a loser, a person who doesn’t perform well and never has and never will?
“What am I doing right now?” “What’s my target?” “Do it.” The attitude (focus on what I can do) and the action (do what I can do) are their own payoff. Feel that payoff.