Month: January 2021

What’s weird about many a new, scary experience is that I know I can do it. Even before starting, while still trembling and uncommitted, I know this is within my grasp.

Yes there are some things that are self-evidently not within my grasp. Bearing children, for instance.

But others are within my grasp to accomplish. Being wildly fit. That is within my grasp. Yeah, the definition of “wildly fit” might be rubbery, but there is no doubt that I can get to a satisfactory point where I say to myself that I’m wildly fit.

Mental states, too. Being at peace. Again, what does that mean, exactly? Who knows! Not me, but others seem to know. I can get to a point where I feel that state for more than moments.

What holds me back? Living through the suck? No. I have endured the suck before. I know how to do that. Fear of failure? Maybe. That’s what other people think of me, not what I think of myself. I have failed often enough already that I’m kind of immune to it. Sometimes! Other times I take it seriously, even though it is a false god.

I think one of the reasons is knowing that this is within my power. If I try and succeed, then what? Unknown! But change. And if I try and fail, then what? Unknown. But change.

“It worked for them, so it will work for me” was my blind mantra at the start. And it was right. The promises came true. That wasn’t so scary, was it? In fact, I experienced liberation.

Let’s revisit the mantra. Tattoo it to your brain: It worked for them, it will work for me. But work it.

The payoff for those I knew 30+ years ago at the start was different (for those who persisted, and where are they now?) than it was for me. Did they experience a moment of oneness hurtling north on I-15 on a cold winter’s dawn in a fancy new car? Probably not. But have they they experienced a moment of oneness in another way? Almost certainly yes. That’s the payoff.

Even after all of this time I shy away from change. Even after first-hand evidence.

Let’s do this.

It worked for (insert name here), so it will work for me. Take that as a mantra.

And don’t forget Alison’s admonition: when you do that, be willing to take the whole package. You can’t have the so-called benefits without the so-called costs.

I already know I can do this. I am going to apply it in a prosaic (and simultaneously profound) area of life: business. Ian’s example is what I keep in mind.

There are patterns to follow. I can do this.

Real mistakes are mistakes of judgment, of intuition. You thought X was true and acted on it. Turns out, X was false.

Bullshit mistakes are mistakes of second-guessing. You thought X was true and then talked yourself out of it and didn’t act. Turns out, X was true.

The point is: to act and expose your judgment to mistakes. That’s how it gets better.

From Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s The Invitation: an exhortation to make real mistakes. I learned about this book from The Warrior Poet, podcast 54.

I’m about to do something that I’m afraid to do, because of self-consciousness about my physical appearance. Meaning I look in the mirror and wish I looked better.

I’m going to do it anyway.

I’m going to play “whatever date it is, throw away that many things” in January. One thing on the first, two things on the second, etc.

Physical things or unneeded files on my computer.

I started adjusting the post time for everything I write.

Random reasons. Mostly paranoia. Hide where I am.

And yet I keep doing it.

Does this reinforce a state of mind, a thought? Maybe the thought can be profitably discarded.

My fears come from “not enough” ideas in my head. There won’t be enough money to support the family. there won’t be enough time to do X, whatever X is. I’m not like able enough for people to want to hang out with me. I don’t look good enough. I’m not fit enough. I’m not disciplined enough. I don’t work hard enough.

So many not enoughs.

And yet as I type this with my thumbs, if I take a deep breath I feel momentarily ok.

Is that the seed? Is that where enough comes from.

And it’s always been this way.